Martini as metaphor: the new “5-in-5” plan
In last week’s column, I took a swipe at Premier Bernard Lord’s so-called ‘prosperity plan’, his ‘five-in-five’ fix for what ails New Brunswick’s economy; five objectives to be accomplished over the next five years.
To recap, he said:
New Brunswick, the smart province, will demonstrate the highest increase in workers with post-secondary education in Canada.
New Brunswick, the investment province, will offer the lowest tax burden east of Alberta, and show the biggest decrease in the unemployment rate in Canada.
New Brunswick, the wellness province, will illustrate the biggest increase in physical fitness participation of any province in Canada.
New Brunswick, the clean province, will boast the greatest reduction in air and water pollution in Canada.
New Brunswick, the inclusive province, will register the biggest reduction of poverty rates in Canada.
To recap (again), I replied in my column: “Yeah, and in five years I want a fully funded university system for undergraduates, true universal health care, peace in the Middle East, and the name and number of someone in New Brunswick who can make me a decent gin martini. But none of that is going to happen, either.”
Well, apparently, some of it is. Since the piece appeared, this humble scribbler has received more than a dozen emails from citizens determined to instruct his goodself on the art and science of preparing the perfect gin martini.
Said one: “What’s the matter with you? The secret of making a good martini for a drinker is ensuring that the drinker in question isn’t pissed-off about anything when he. . .you know. . .drinks it. That kind of leaves you out in the cold, don’t you think?”
Said another: “Dear boy, the preparation of the perfect gin martini is a spiritual thing. Not only do you have to be in the mood, but also the mood must move you. It’s all about Zen. As Yasutani Roshi once said, ‘Absolute unity with nothingness is ripeness.’”
Somewhat more usefully, Pierre S. of Lower Coverdale advised: “I prefer a Tanqueray or a Bombay Sapphire gin, and a Noilly Prat vermouth. Of course, the Mamouth olive is important. The glass should be served cold and fresh with aged ice that melts slowly. Add to this a pleasant wood-burning fireplace and the smell of roasting garlic in the background. Elementary!”
Now, to my request.
Bernard Lord’s five-in-five plan for the future of New Brunswick is full of false hope and easy promise. Then again, so is the perfect martini. So, I propose a marriage, of sorts. Readers are hereby invited to design and name a new variety of the sublime cocktail in honour of the provincial government’s continuing commitment to render us all drunk with happiness.
The rules of the contest are as follows:
· Gin must be used as the base.
· Vermouth is optional, though advisable.
· Garnishes provide the wit.
· Ice provides the temper.
· Preparation provides the wisdom.
Explain how these five “ingredients” reflect your personal five-in-five philosophy about the current regime’s stewardship of this province, and you could be a winner.
To get the ball rolling, here is my homage to the current Tory record on immigration and foreign direct investment. I call it ‘The White Knuckle’:
· Two ounces of Tanquery to dull the pain of relocation;
· a capful of sweet vermouth to suggest that life could be worse;
· a pickled onion to compensate for zero job growth;
· a brick of Fundy ice to show that shit happens; and
· one shake in a dirty glass to prove that we really don’t care, after all.
Get the gist? The top three recipes will be announced in an upcoming edition of [here]. Have fun, but for God’s sake, people, be careful. Poking fun at elected officials is one thing. Messing with the mighty martini is quite another.
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