The Bruce Report

Which is exactly what Canada’s mainstream media was this week when it swooned like a 98-pound weakling at the sight Conan the Californian stalking the halls of Parliament Hill, barking the gospel of green power that will, he’s certain, transform the U.S. state over which he presides as governor. 

“Arnold Schwarzenegger is living up to his reputation as a get-things-done kind of a guy,” gushed Paul Berton in the Winnipeg Sun. “Many of his once-reluctant constituents are warming up to him, and environmentalists are calling him a leader for championing things such as greenhouse gas emission reductions, installing hydrogen highways and preserving ocean wilderness.”

Added Don Martin of the National Post: “Harper might try to be a bit more like upbeat Arnold and a lot less like dour Dubya as he heads off to a G8 summit where climate change will top the agenda and Canada’s participation is an unanswered question. After all, the two men share more than a right-wing heritage. They’ve both spent time as robots – Schwarzenegger in the movies and Harper in real life.”

Even the good, gray Globe and Mail appeared a tad star-struck in its review of Canada’s out-sized guest. “California is taking the lead, and Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is seeking more than publicity in his tour,” wrote John Ibbitson from Washington. “He is looking for new partners in his bid to create a continental, subnational emissions trading market.”

Not long ago, the “governator” likened the environmental movement to pumping iron. In a speech to Georgetown University, he said, “bodybuilding used to have a very sketchy image. As a matter of fact, so much so that some people that worked out seriously and pumped weights didn’t admit they were doing bodybuilding.

“But we changed that. We consciously changed that. And then all of a sudden, everyone wanted to exercise. It became mainstream, it became sexy, attractive. And this is exactly what has to happen with the environmental movement. Like bodybuilders, environmentalists were thought of as kind of weird and fanatics.”

To say that the former Hollywood action hero has a unique way with words is to state the obvious. Less clear, however, is what he actually means when he commits California – which is home to more fossil fuel burning cars and trucks than any other jurisdiction in North America – to reducing carbon emissions to 1990 levels by 2020.

That represents a 30 per cent cut, which is not only an enormous technical challenge in gas-guzzling la-la land, but also a political one. Bipartisan collaboration in a state whose population and diversity of interests are as large and varied as Canada’s is as rare as snow in July. But imagining a coalition of green warriors manning the ramparts in harmonious conviction for 13 years is a conceit only a studio mogul can love.

Perhaps Schwarzenegger’s “sexiest” proposition, though, is his notion of a “hydrogen highway” built on infrastructure and fuel cell technology that does not yet exist, and never will as long as the environmental and financial costs to produce these innovations exceed the benefits they return. Still, he insists, this can be accomplished through hard work, determination and an indefatigably positive attitude.

And, maybe it can. After all, the erstwhile film star with the million-dollar mug positively predicted his come-from-behind victories in successive state elections. He positively accepted campaign donations totaling $2 million (USD) from leading oil companies. And he positively undermined the Clean Alternative Energy Initiative, which would have forced petroleum producers to pony up mega-bucks to fund green energy research and development in California.

The jolly green giant came to Canada to win friends, influence people, and sign some deals. He succeeded. Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty inked agreements to fight climate change and pursue stem-cell research. British Columbia Premier Gordon Campbell struck a memorandum of understanding for joint action on protecting the oceans, about which he stated with exceptional clarity, “We all share the Pacific coast, so we’re. . .uh. . .looking at that.”

As for Stephen Harper, he presented the governor with an Ottawa Senators jersey, and promised to lock up Canadian video pirates who record first-run movies in public theatres like so many deviants in the dark.

Do we love Arnold? Can you spell “brain dead”?

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