The Bruce Report

Unlike Alaska’s Governor Sarah Palin, Canada’s Governor-General Michaelle Jean may not know how to field-dress a 12-point buck, but never let it be said she’s not willing to try the wild thing at least once – and as the cameras roll, no less.

 

In fact, when was the last time you witnessed a representative of any member nation of the G-8 rip open the sternum of a dead seal, yank out its heart, and proceed to chow down? Okay, former U.S. Vice-President Dick Cheney once shot a man in face (by accident, we believe). But for sheer devil-may-care frontier spirit, this hardly compares with the picture earlier this week in Nunavut of our so-called head of state snacking on the raw organ of a wild animal. Take that, you European Union wimps!

 

All of which raises a question: Why does it take an elegant, Haitian-born woman with questionable constitutional authority to dramatically demonstrate Canada’s utter disdain for international hypocrisy and self-aggrandizing seal-huggers like Paul McCartney? Can you imagine Michael Ignatieff or Stephen Harper ever rolling up their sleeves and tucking into the carcass of a fresh kill simply to make a political point?

 

I didn’t think so.

 

Still, what if our leaders began to emulate Madam Jean’s defiant élan – and not just with respect to the seal hunt? What if they abandoned their carefully crafted talking points and exquisitely orchestrated meet-and-greets, their grey suits and silk ties, their brogues and coifs, and, on all matters of national interest, embraced the swing and swagger of a sailor on shore leave?

 

What if Canada got. . .well, rude?

 

Northern sovereignty? No problem, pal. You get the Arctic just as soon as we get Santa Monica, Pebble Beach, and Boca Raton.

 

Fresh water exports? Can’t do it, chief. Instead, allow us to pour you a steaming cup of shut the hell up. Will that be one lump or two?

 

Softwood lumber? Quit complaining, moron. It’s not our fault you cut down all your trees to make room for theme parks, mini malls and bordellos.

 

Dirty crude oil? Hey, dipstick, we got an idea: Why not take that little worry to the Saudis and see how far it gets you?

 

Meet the new Canada: The world’s premier purveyor of insult comedy. No longer the polite second-rater lurking behind the curtain, waiting for a chance it knows will never come to take centre stage, it’s now a pugnacious, people-pleasing player with the bling and the boo-ya to prove it.

 

Ladies and germs, heeeeer’s Michael “The Masher” Igantieff. . .

 

“Thank you. . .thank you. . .it’s good to be here. . .by which I mean it’s good to be seen, which is more than I can say for the front row. Putin, Obama? Sheesh. . .Who let the dogs out? . .Ha, ha, ha. . .I kid, I kid. . .And speaking of kidding, have you heard the one about the superpower that let its unregulated mortgage industry run rough-shod over its economy, leading to the shut-down or bailout of every major bank, the loss of trillions of dollars and millions of jobs? Oh, you have heard that one. . .Ha, ha. . .Pretty hilarious stuff, no?”

 

Ladies and germs, fresh from his world tour, heeeeer’s The Prime Minister of Stand-up, himself, Stephen Harper. . .

 

“Wow, it’s good to be back. Did you know that a ton of people in the world don’t have enough good food or drinkable water. . .that they don’t bathe regularly, or know how to read, or even brush their teeth? But enough about France. . .Ha, ha, ha. . .Oh, and don’t think I can’t see you, England. . .Listen up. . .The Industrial Revolution called, and it wants its coal back.”

 

Naturally, there is a danger of this sort of thing getting out of hand. After all, we want to be rude, but not tedious. We want to be irreverent, but not targets (lest we’re forced to turn our armed forces into brigades of body guards). Still, if we play this right we may never again have to observe one of our leaders dine out on the heart of a dead seal in pursuit of international attention.

 

And who knows? We may even have the Europeans eating their own hearts out in awe of our brilliant, truculent, hilariously delivered statement of national principles.

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