The Bruce Report

You can avoid war zones, tornadoes and live volcanoes. You can eschew shot guns, sharp knives and battery acid. You can even look both ways before crossing the street. It won’t matter much, according to a team of European scientists who have concluded that the simple act of sitting can kill you.

            “Research is preliminary,” says an Associated Press report out of London. “But several studies suggest people who spend most of their days sitting are likely to be fat, have a heart attack or even die.”

            In fact, it makes no difference where the potentially lethal pastime takes place: At a desk, at the coffee counter, in the hot tub. Says Elin Ekbom-Bak of the Swedish School of Sport and Health Sciences, “After four hours of sitting, the body starts to send harmful signals” as the genes that regulate glucose in the body begin to go dormant.

            And here I thought swine flu was the year’s most hyped health hazard. It seems we have not yet begun to plumb the depths of our capacity to terrify ourselves. So allow me, in the interest of science, to propose several other once-benign activities calculated to strike fear into the heart of any garden variety hypochondriac.     

A team of researchers at the Arctic Circle have ascertained an 80 per cent positive correlation between excessive blinking and late-onset schizophrenia. Dr. Ima Flimflam says her field work indicates that people who bat their eyelashes more than 1,000 times in any 24-hour period are more likely to exhibit symptoms of dissociative personality disorder. “It’s as if they’re not taking in the full spectrum of visible light, and that kinda’ screws up their perception of reality,” she said.

In other health-related news, scientists in Florida have determined that people who chew their food slowly are more likely than the general population to develop certain bovine characteristics, such as mooing and runaway flatulence. According to PhD candidate Harvey L. Cowtipper, “Admittedly, this is not the most urgent medical issue facing humankind, but let’s not forget the potential impact of excessive farting on global warming. With enough grant money, I’m certain we can find a direct link.”

Researchers in Toronto, Ontario, say bathing can be bad for you. The act of scrubbing damages certain skin cells which protect the body from harmful ultraviolet radiation. The more frequently and aggressively a person washes up, the more likely he is to develop malignant melanomas. Says Professor Regina P. Hogswallop, “We recommend a light sponge bath maybe once a month to avoid serious complications later on in life. After all, it’s better to be fragrant than dead.”

Scientists in Reno, Nevada have uncovered evidence which clearly suggests breathing leads to something called “diaphrametic carpel tunnel syndrome”. The condition arises after chronic inhalation produces repetitive stress injuries to the diaphragm, located just below the lungs. “There’s only one proven palliative to this serious affliction,” states Dr. Edward “Spanky” Pantaloons. “Hold your breath.”

Finally, after decades of data collection, researchers operating on rotating bursaries from the United Nation’s Council on the Human Condition, have concluded with 100 per cent certainty that prolonged living ultimately results in death. “There’s not a shadow of doubt in our minds about this,” says Professor Harcourt Histrionics. “The science is inarguably clear. We’ve applied thousands of algorithms, hundreds of computer models, and even a few so-direct case studies. The outcome is the same in every instance: People who live inevitably die. I can think of no other threat to the human race that’s greater than this. And the sooner world governments recognize the peril that living presents, the sooner we can start working on a cure.”      

There we go. Are we scared yet?

Relax. Stop blinking so fast. Wolf down that sandwich. Postpone that bath. Take a breath (but not too often) And sit down for a spell.

It won’t kill you. . .yet.

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