A brave, new fix for email abuse
It has come to my attention that I am a lousy email correspondent, by which I mean I’m brash, gruff, dismissive, and frequently rude.
I don’t know how or why the more reptilian aspects of my personality have found fertile ground on which to upend the emotional stability of my (now shrinking) network of cyber-neighbours. But I just can’t seem to resist poking and jabbing unsuspecting message-senders.
A typical exchange might go something like this:
“Hey Alec, I gotta say I enjoyed your last column. Though I don’t completely agree with you about the relative advantages of hybridized bush beans over, say, the more common pole-climbing variety, the piece was, at least, fun to read.”
“Hey Getalife.blogspot.com, I can’t tell you how much I value your opinion. No, really, I can’t. So, maybe I’ll just leave it there.”
Or like this:
“Hello Mr. Bruce. I was wondering if you would agree to participate in a three-day conference on the proper care and feeding of exotic house pets. We think your insights on the subject would be fascinating. We could possibly pay for your hotel room, if you think it absolutely necessary.”
“Hello Ms. Lotta Nerve. I would be more than happy to consider your kind request, if you would, likewise, consider paying my mortgage this month. Yes, unfortunately, I think it absolutely necessary.”
Or like this recent confab with my wife:
“Hi mister, I’m coming home now.”
“Thank you. I’ll be sure to alert the media.”
What’s truly horrifying about all of this is that I’m really not such a bad guy. At least, that’s what people who get to know me say. I like babies and small animals. I’m all for romantic walks on faraway beaches and quiet evenings spent in the bosom of my family.
It’s just that there is something about electronic communications – maybe its speed or its fundamentally perfunctory nature – which brings out the Mr. Hyde to my Dr. Jekyll.
Fortunately, however, there is help for people like me.
Meet Lymbix Inc., a Moncton-based start-up company specializing in products “related to the emotion of text-based communications. Having developed the world’s first connotative database, applications powered by Lymbix identify a deeper level of sentiment analysis and drives further beyond positive, negative and neutral.”
That’s from the company’s web site. And there’s more: “The ToneCheck add-in for Microsoft Outlook (Release Date: April 2010) identifies the emotional definition of words and phrases in order to help end users improve the clarity of their communication. As intuitive as grammar or spell-check, ToneCheck by Lymbix gauges words and phrases against eight levels of connotative feeling, allowing the end user to make real-time corrections and adjust the overall tone of messages using an easy-to-use menu system.”
So, for example, you might write, “I don’t give a fig about your strep throat! A deadline is a deadline, pal!”
The software might lead you adjust your missive thusly: “I’m sorry to hear about your difficulties. Please send me your materials as soon as you’re feeling better.”
Actually, I have no idea what the platform can do as I have not yet had the pleasure of test-driving it. But, if it has passed its beta phase of development, I predict great things for this Hub City innovation. Think of the size and scope of electronic communications, the burgeoning growth of Web 2.0 social networking sites, and you get the picture.
No more sleepless nights fretting about that unfortunately worded email dashed off in a moment of passion. No more transparently dubious excuses after the fact: “You thought I was serious? Hey, man, I thought you could take a joke.”
Finally, stupidity need not be a barrier to social or economic progress. Just download the fix, and be on your merry way.
In fact, I had planned to email the company offering my hearty congratulations. But with my track record, well. . .let’s just say I had second thoughts.
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