The Bruce Report

If I didn’t know better, I’d swear the Conservative government recruits its policy wonks from the swollen ranks of mediocre stand-up comedians.

            “Thank you, ladies and germs, it’s great to be here. I suppose you’ve all heard we’re going to start making our currency out of plastic pretty soon. We just got tired of hearing people say the Canadian dollar isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on. Besides, we all need to learn how to stretch a buck!

“But, seriously, folks, you know we recently suggested making the national anthem more gender-neutral. What a flap that caused. But what you don’t know is this wasn’t our first choice. Originally, we wanted to replace O Canada with something a little more reflective of our true identity. . .something like, oh I don’t know, Alberta Bound!

“Ha, ha, ha. . .I kid, I kid. . .Still, the state of the economy is no laughing matter. That’s why we’ve eliminated 245 government jobs. So what if most of those positions were already vacant? It’s the thought that counts. After all, who else but a non-existent civil servant is going to pay for Jim Flaherty’s private jet?”

For all who continue to wonder what, exactly, the Tories were doing during prorogation, now you know. Welcome to the new and improved funhouse: governance as second-rate, Las Vegas nightclub act.

What’s next? Should we expect an edict to change the colour of the flag? Sure, the maple leaf is nice. But “gold leaf” is so much more appropriate given the robust condition of the nation’s banking system, and our recent medal haul at the Vancouver Olympics. Don’t you think?

And what about Canada’s Economic Action Plan? It’s doing the job for which it was intended – crowding make-work and short-term job programs into ridings of all political stripes across the country. Why be coy? Let’s rename it “Canada’s Electoral Traction Plan” and let’s call it day before the cheques start bouncing.

The nation’s central bank insists its move to plastic currency some18 months from now will save the government millions of dollars a year in paper costs. Moreover, the new notes will be cleaner, more durable and more secure. Their anti-counterfeiting features will be state of the art. Most crucially, they say, theirs is the environmentally responsible decision as the bills will be eternally recycled.

Of course, the punch line of this joke is that plastic comes from oil, the chief culprit behind manmade global warming. And while complex polymers may be eternal, humans are not. At some point, when all of us comprise a distant memory in the planet’s biosphere, our cold, hard cash will be circling the ocean’s currents. Now, that’s what I call money laundering. And it’s hilarious, right?

But no more, perhaps, than the spectacle of Ottawa sonorously declaring its commitment to women’s rights by tinkering with two words in the national anthem. Even more chuckle-worthy was the method of its madcap adventure: Slipping the suggestion into the Throne Speech where it sat like a fart in Sunday school. Thirty-six hours later, under a heavy barrage of criticism from citizens of both male and female persuasions, it withdrew the proposition, leading many to conclude this was the point of the exercise all along. “The people have spoken. Who are we to contradict?  Let us speak of this no more.” Oh, what rollicking good fun.

Now comes the government’s determination to demonstrate the seriousness of its intent to trim the size of the federal public service. And it will do this, projecting a cumulative saving of nearly $1.2 million. Except, 90 per cent of the 245 positions it has designated for the chopping block remain unfilled – some for years; others for decades. Many so-called jobs were for boards and agencies that were never actually established: theoretical in both form and function.

According to a Globe and Mail report this week, “Only 27 of the 245 jobs being cut are currently filled. A spokeswoman for Treasury Board President Stockwell Day said the estimated total savings from eliminating these 27 jobs is $53,000 to $62,000 in pay and $37,800 in travel bills.”

Oh well, what’s $1,047,200 between friends?

“Am I right, or am I right? Come on people! Work with me over here! And stop that heckling! You think this is easy?”

Something tells me this government, on its way to late-night Vegas fame, shouldn’t give up its day job.

On the other hand. . .

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